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Finding Your True Self

Who am I? Who are you? It’s a question for the ages, and one that anyone contemplating and examine their life inevitably tries to answer. I’ve been asking this question since I can remember. I’ve never felt fully comfortable in my skin, or in my head. Finding my true self has always been a mystery.

Since I started a mediation practice a few years ago, I’ve started to learn how to be present by sitting still and breathing. Guided meditations help, not just as a reminder to stay focused, but to help me uncover and learn about the nature of consciousness.

Your True Self Is Right Here

Most recently, I listened to a series of mediations called “The Headless Way” by Richard Long (available inside the Waking Up app from Sam Harris.) Sam has been talking about being headless for a while but it never really connected for me. This latest series, however, with eight different short mediations was a masterclass in being headless. And it’s such a trip!

I was so far off base in “looking” for myself it’s sort of laughable. I ha been searching outside myself for validation of who I am, and who I should strive to be. Successful at business. Good friend. In-shape. Confident. Skilled. Smart. Credentialed. The list is endless, and also, filled only with external things. You know… homeowner, drive a nice car and wear nice things.

There Is No Little Man Inside Me Driving My Body Around

What has become evident to me is that my true self is not “out there.” My true self is not a little man running around the inside of my brain pulling levers and operating my body. Instead, my true self is something far greater. Something ephemeral. Incorporeal. It’s not inside my body.

And if my true self is not inside my body, that means it must somehow be outside my body. External. The truth I’ve uncovered is that my true self is not my body. Not inside my head. My true self is still, and quiet. It is fully present and unchanging. My true self is perfect. It has always been here, and will always be here. My true self doesn’t care about a fancy haircut, or expensive shoes because those things are just appearances – they aren’t real.

Admittedly, this feels strange. And woo-woo. But I’m positive I’ve tapped into something important. If nothing else, it is another signpost my journey is on the right path, regardless of how far along I am. The quest to discover my true self is on!

Trim Tabs – One Of The Keys To A Great Life

I’ve heard Jeff Bridges talk about this at least twice, and both times it has resonated with me deeply. Channeling Buckminster Fuller, Bridges makes an analogy about making big changes in life to how large ships use trim tabs. Basically, the little rudder on a big boat loves the big rider, which turns the boat. I think he is on to something here, maybe one of the keys to a great life.

All of us are trim tabs. We might seem like we’re not up to the task, but we are, man. We’re alive! We can make a difference! We can turn this ship in the way we wanna go, man! Towards love, creating a healthy planet for all of us.

Jeff Bridges

A Great Life Is Possible

When I feel overwhelmed, which happens a lot lately during COVID-19, it can sometimes seem hopeless. But I refuse to fall into negative self-talk because I know where that leads. I get anxious and depressed. I go dark. I become insufferable. It sucks for me and for everyone around me. It’s not fun.

But the analogy holds. It frames things in a way that feels empowering. As if I can handle my shit. One thing at a time. Small changes. Keep going. Don’t quit. Come with love. Always. That’s the key to a great life.

I plan to write soon about a dense, strange book called “My Big Toe,” by Thomas Campbell, eventually. His big theory about everything (aka Big Toe), talks a lot about evolution, consciousness, and love. From my simple understanding, consciousness itself is evolving, albeit slowly. Small, positive changes lead to more small positive changes. One after another, Darwin style.

Changes that are positive win, negative ones lose (and go extinct). Over the millennia, these little wins add up. We get ever sophisticated forms of life, consciousness and societies. When I try to wrap my head around this, I once again revisit Fuller’s trim tabs.

In order to stay grounded, I try to stay focused on my own life. My own decisions. If there is free will (is there?), then the decisions I make matter. When I make them with love and with my big self, I evolve positively. When I think small, and make decisions grounded in my ego, that’s me moving in the wrong direction, trying to move the big tab, without first moving the trim tab.

So I guess, the key to a great life is small changes, made with love. Over and over again, endlessly. Relentlessly. Driving towards a great life.

Dissolving The Ego

Every year, I like to pick a “word” of the year. The word I select is a touchstone and a reminder of what is most important and represents an overriding goal I’ve set for myself and for my life. This year, that word is “ego.”

Each morning, after I meditate, I open the notes app on my phone and read from a document called Morning Ritual.

Dissolving the ego is the single most important thing I can do this year.

When I see those words each morning, I’m reminded of my tendency to be selfish and to cater to my small self.

Remembering to dissolve, and ultimately kill my ego is my path to my big, generous self. The one who remains present in times of crisis, and stress.

It’s unclear why my ego is such a problem, and for decades it ran unchecked, in control. But no more! No longer does my ego drive the ship. Sure, I’m not perfect, and sure, sometimes I slip into old patterns. But day by day, with the help of the word of the year, I shed a little more of my small self, and unlock my big self.

Hell yes! or no F_cking way!

Hell yes, or no way. Essentialism to the rescue!

I’ve read the incredible book “Essentialism” by Greg Mckeown 3 times now, and each time, my (digital) copy gets more and more highlighted. It’s a great read, and one with an incredible amount of wisdom, great ideas, and perspective. Reading it has enriched my life immensely. My biggest and most challenging takeaway is the idea of “Hell yes, or no way.”

Essentialism

If you haven’t read it, I recommend you watch any of the excellent videos that outline the basic concepts including hearing it right from Greg’s mouth in a Google talk:

“No more yes, it’s either a ‘Hell, Yeah!” or no.” #Essentialism— Greg McKeown (@GregoryMcKeown) January 15, 2016

Essentialism, for me works great for small, simple decisions such as:

  • should I work out?
  • should eat that 3rd slice of pizza?
  • should I read this book or that book

But it breaks down for me when I try to apply it to big decisions such as:

  • should I invest in becoming a better or published writer?
  • should I change careers, go back to school or keep doing what I’m doing
  • am living my best life, and if not, what’s that even mean?

I think a big part of the problem is that I’ve been unwilling to be completely honest with myself. Saying hell yea to something life-changing has ramifications that go far beyond my own personal impact.

As an example, I’ve written two books (one a YA-Sci Fi thing, the other a memoir), and I’m stuck inside my head. Do I try to improve them with the help of an editor and finish that journey, or do I leave writing as a hobby and a fun creative pursuit? I honestly don’t know.

The truth is, part of me is scared.

Shit. Even as I wrote that sentence I sort of figured out something important. Trite as it is, that saying “do what scares you most” may very well apply here.

Hell yes, or no way. Eh?

The Road Ahead - Focus on Doing rather than Being

Don’t try to be better. Just do better for a fulfilling, joyful life

I’ve struggled with the idea of becoming something better my entire life. It’s led to so much pain – bad business investments, bad personal choices, misunderstanding the importance of status, job titles and the value of money. Life is sweet when you  focus on “doing better” instead of trying to “be better”

Focus on the doing rather than the being

As I was reading different posts on this subreddit, something struck me odd and it led to this post. Don’t get me wrong, the notion of “deciding to be better” isn’t wrong, it’s actually quite positive. However, I think the sentiment is a tad misguided. In my recent experiences, I’m realizing that deciding to be better would be better framed as deciding to do better. Because being present, and finding joy is in the doing and not the being.

A bit of background as I try to work my way to making my point.

A few weeks ago a friend posted on Facebook that he was buying a Tesla. And then another one posted the same thing. And another posted about their new job, a very high level appointment at a high flying tech start up. Yet another posted incredible photos of a 3 week vacation they took around the world. And in all cases, instead of being happy for them, I felt a deep resentment and shame that it wasn’t me that was getting those things and having that sort of success.

It took me a few weeks to process those feelings. I hated myself for being angry, and envious. I hated myself even more for feeling shamed. Seriously, why was I feeling shame exactly?

Then a few days ago something changed inside me. I was thinking about my own journey, and how far I’ve come in the past few years. I quit a high paying consulting gig, stopped destructive and bad personal behavior and started meditating and journaling almost every day. I did this because I realized that those things were not leading me anywhere I wanted to go.

My inner voice started to whisper in my head, telling me that the anger and shame were misplaced. The voice was telling me that I was lying to myself about those feelings of anger and shame.
And also, what the hell do I care if a friend does well and buys a nice car, or gets a huge promotion. I mean really, good for them, right? Right!

And yet I was still struggling and having these feelings of shame and envy. I realized that my ego was telling me that I deserve more success. That I deserve more money and more status. That if my friends can get it, so should I!

What’s incredible is that I’ve spent the past 2.5 years redesigning my priorities and my life to escape exactly those traps!

I figured a few years ago that success, money and status is exactly the wrong road for me to travel. It’s a road that leads to loneliness and to my massive ego ruining my life. It’s me giving in to the matrix, taking the wrong pill. Walking the wrong road. And other quotes like that.

Goddamn ego man. It really is the obstacle.

The point is that deciding to be better is the wrong sentiment and can potentially lead to the wrong destination. But doing better, now that’s the right track. That’s having focus. Being in flow. Creating, producing and being productive.  It’s subtle (sort of) and powerful.

And it’s all around if you look closely.

  • Actors talk about doing the work is what leads to great performances.
  • Writers talk about doing the work every day, without fail is the only way to produce anything worthwhile.
  • Nick Saban (Head Football Coach, University of Alabama) created an entire process focused on “doing” that leads the Tide to being the best. It’s not being the best that makes you the best, it’s the doing part that matters!

I have found that focusing on my work and my own process is where I can relax and find joy. It’s where I am truly present. I never realized it before because I’ve been chasing “being” – status, titles, money, power. None of which is what I want.

And now, I really need time to figure what it is I want to DO. I can feel my ego fighting me even as I write this – egging me on, telling me to pick things that lead to money, status and power. And that little voice, gaining in strength every day is just whispering quietly, no. Don’t listen. Just go do stuff, experiment and figure out what it is you do. And then one day, you’ll BE happy.

Update: A thoughtful reader sent me a note about the last line of the post where I say “And then one day, you’ll BE happy.” Firstly how awesome that you read the entire post! Secondly, you are right that that line is problematic in that it is focusing on some future result. I didn’t intend it that way, I meant it in juxtaposition to the concept of being vs. doing, but I get your point loud and clear. Here’s to staying present!