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Screaming into the Void

Lying to Myself (or How this Blog is Total Bullshit)

Lying to yourself is nasty business. It’s one of those things that while you are doing it, you don’t know you are doing it. But you are. Then something happens and you recognize the lie. At first, you can’t believe that you have been lying to yourself. All that meditation! All those blog posts! A year of journaling. I just realized in a blaze of glory that I’m lying to myself.

All it took was a moment in time. I brief insight I had while reading a book. And there it was. I am lying to myself about just about everything. Lies. Damn Lies. Sort of like statistics. No, exactly like statistics.

Since I started this blog I’ve been doing things differently in my life. First and foremost, trying to wake the fuck up and stop living my life based on what I think I should be doing, and getting some clue about what it is that I truly want. I’ve read so many books and blog posts and talked to so many people about their own lives and tried to understand what waking up really looks like. I’ve watched movies, looking for clues and walked in nature, literally trying to get lost to try to find myself. I’m such an imposter it’s astounding.

I’ve asked myself questions about who I am. Who I want to be. What I want to be. And not for lack of trying, but I’ve made progress. Wait, is that the right turn of phrase? Anyway, As of right now, coach.me says I have meditated 369 times. I’ve journaled just about every day for 1.5 years. I’ve exercised. I’ve started drawing again. Recently started Tai chi. So yes, I have been doing things. And yet, still lying to myself all the while.

It’s all bullshit. It’s bullshit because at my core, I’ve discovered, errr, rediscovered something I’ve known all along. It’s hard to see the progress when the big insights you have are the ones you already know. It’s like I’m”The Incredible Man with No Memory.”  My superpower is being able to ignore reality and live in the past and future, but never in the present moment. It’s remarkable. And it leads to lies. Lie after lie after lie. I’m lying to myself.

I'm lying to myself

It’s because I feel so alone. 

I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do about it. I sometimes wish I had drugs that would magically make me feel happy. Do those exist? Can I get some?

The crazy fucking bit about this is that I’m not alone. Hardly. I have so many people who love me. You know how I know this? Because one of the meditations I do is being grateful. I even blogged about it here. I know they love me and I am ever so grateful for them all. But it doesn’t matter because it’s bullshit because despite being grateful, I still end up feeling alone. And scared.

This blog post may invalidate every all the other blog posts on this site, or maybe it will prove that they are true. Either way, I call bullshit. I call bullshit on myself. I’m putting calamine lotion on 3rd-degree burns. I’m hiking Everest in shorts and flip flops. I’m a lying liar.

I’ve lied to myself for so long I can’t even remember when it started. I allowed my life to be dragged down the river. No oars. I’m just going wherever it takes me. And while that sounds awfully romantic and “presenty” (not a word), it’s bullshit. Like my lies. I have no control of myself. I’m out of control. I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to be doing, or who I’m supposed to be.

So what next?

How about I stop lying to myself.

It’s a great idea, right? Trouble is, I have no idea how to stop doing it. Also, I don’t even recognize when I’m doing it in the first place. So that may make it tricky as hell. But I am going to try. I’ve been trying something new in my morning pages – telling the truth. I know, novel right? But instead of just free associating what happened yesterday or writing about what TV show I watched or what thing I thought, I’ve started to actually be honest with myself.

A few days ago I wrote down the following gem in my journal…  “Fuck I’m so unhappy.” Then I wrote about why I thought that was and it was all lies, but the effort was there at the start. So it’s something to build on I guess.

I feel so fucking goddamn guilty about feeling unhappy. I feel like I’m betraying everyone I love because they all think I’m so well-adjusted and happy. I’m super good at lying to other people too apparently. Either that or they see right through it and are all wondering when I’m going to crack. 50/50 I’m guessing.

I hate feeling guilty about not being happy. It’s a ton of pressure. Sometimes I just want to be able to be sad. Wow, re-reading all that makes it pretty clear that I should re-think the drugs thing. Yikes.

So let’s recap:

  1. This blog is bullshit because I lie to myself. It stands to reason that most or all blog posts on this blog are also bullshit and full of lies.
  2. My attempts to be honest with myself are headlines at best. Getting past the surface level of honest is proving difficult or impossible at this time. Please hang up and try again.
  3. I probably should be on drugs of some sort. Either prescribed or recreational.

I don’t know exactly how to end this post. I wrote it because I had to get it off my chest – and to acknowledge that I’ve been lying to myself. And to you also of course. Once I hit publish I can either go back to lying or decide to stop. I desperately want to make the right choice here. And that’s not a lie.

 

15 thoughts to “Lying to Myself (or How this Blog is Total Bullshit)”

  1. You are definitely not alone. I really believe that, at the end of the day, it’s all bullshit…but does this provide any sense of fulfillment? What is the point of spiritual inquiry if then end result is floating in a nihilistic void?
    Like you I don’t have the answers; but that admittance itself has become my answer. Just watch when these feelings arise. If you feel guilty about feeling alone amid having support, just watch it. Watch the mind and how the thoughts flow. There’s a certain disassociated peace that begins to seep in. If your blog is all bullshit than so is everyone else’s. I would say the mere fact that you have this blog is evidence of some kinda meaning; which is to say more than mere bullshit.
    Keep up the good work

    1. Thanks for the comments and thoughts. It is an interesting thought that admittance itself may be a part of the answer (or part of the answer). I have been practicing “radical acceptance” after reading the book of the same name and when I can remember to simply accept ideas and not fight them into my head, I do get a new perspective on things.

  2. Why do you feel unhappy and lonely? (I understand those feelings as I feel them often). These states have become epidemic. But why? It’s such a big question. I don’t know what the answer is, but I suspect it’s closely related to connection, being valued unconditionally and conditionally, and being able to give/contribute in a meaningful way, whatever that may be. Or perhaps that’s all unnecessary unless you love yourself, whatever that means! I don’t know whether knowing that you’re lying is necessarily conducive to happiness…. personally, I sometimes yearn for my “shopping and fucking” days, innocent in the belief that”the next thing” would be”it”. At least there was excitement and anticipation….

    But, this…ennui? Perhaps it’s called growing up.

    But what can happen is a relaxing of expectation. Which feels peaceful by and large, being really appreciative of all the miraculous every day-ness. And not expecting anything else other than what is happening.

    Maybe. I get what you’re saying.

  3. It’s not a story I’d choose to write… but it would be interesting to see which way it goes.

    Today I am wrestling with thoughts of death and futility. I have no idea why. The world is a stunningly beautiful place, but I feel such self-loathing and disgust and frustration at not being able to ignore my conditioning. It stinks. And it’s very self indulgent and pathetic. But, what to do?

      1. you are only as human as you allow yourself to feel. to refer to yourself as ‘The incredible man with no memory’ is an injustice as you are already putting pressures on yourself that are not necessary.

        You are just as human as everyone else out there, i mean look at all the responses you get from people saying like i am that we get you and you’re not alone.

        Allow yourself to fall, lie, cry and hate yourself….Don’t say i hate it when i hate myself…say instead, I love it when i can see faults in myself.

        You are only seeing the bad as bad but without the bad you could not know how good you want to be or want things to be….ALLOW YOURSELF TO LOVE YOURSELF ALL THE TIME…

        #selfloathingsucks BUT its all out of love from within, accept this and you will be in truth forever.

        1. What a great comment – thank you! The #selfloathing is horrible, but has been getting better. Allowing yourself to just feel it, sit with it and then feeling it in your body is one technique that has worked for me. Self-acceptance has been hard – where does that self-hatred come from anyway?

  4. I really appreciate such a candid and wonderful post. I feel like you’re overthinking a lot, but I don’t know maybe it’s also a sign that you are brilliant; I’ve heard that brilliant people often fall into boredom or a rut very easily and need a lot of stimulation to feel good. I will also say that what recently is helping me is a book called Loving Kindness by Sharon Salzberg. Anyways I don’t say you go ahead and devour the book because maybe trying to solve all your problems is not the best thing for you and might make things worse. You could also be on the verge of a breakthrough. In the most intense times, sometimes I got the best insights. There is a strong feeling of separation in your words, like you don’t feel connected to the world and people, and that must hurt a lot. Also love the parts of yourself that you believe are deceitful and lying, not sure how to go about it though.

    1. Thank you for the comment and book recommendation, it’s on my list! I’m going with I’m on the verge of a breakthrough, at least that gives me some hope!

      You are astute in your comment about how I feel disconnected. I’ve always felt that way, as if I’m somehow separate and apart from people and things. Like an observer rather than a participant. I used to like feeling apart from things but more and more I get the sense that I need something different. Be well and thanks!

  5. Thanks for this post. I totally understand the feeling. The more I try to ask myself who I am, the least I get answers, or the answers keep changing. Doesn’t necessarily feels like a lie, more like a void. I also get sad and angry pretty often, even though I can’t always pinpoint why. I think a lot of it has to do with living lives that are not fulfilled ( according to our standards? to which standards??) Anyway. I think my mom gave me a great advice a couple years ago when she suggested that I “try to think less”. Part of the solution there?

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